The calcium deposits may be the cause or the symptom, but the diagnosis is gout ('Tsufu' as we say in Japan) and the result is painful steps and inflammation. So a day spent in the hospital clarified what I was facing... dietary 'issues'. What I love, meats and seafood, creates gout, and what I crave, creamy desserts, helps make me fat. The solution would be to enjoy sacrifice, skinnism, fasting, I sense what I really need is an adventure, a daily process, a goal fully absorbing. A challenge I believe in, love doing, want to follow through. Unfortunately too much in my life is abstracted into dry toast. I am listening to a book by Gail Blanke titled "Throw Out Fifty Things". This was a process we attempted this summer with considerable success but apparently it is far from over. I can't believe how much more I need to get rid of.
http://www.throwoutfiftythings.com/
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Terrible struggle of complacency
I returned desperately to meat as if the successes of a summer as a fish eating vegetarian was not value enough. Now my weight rises in a dance with depression and many many small actions to break the spell and invite back a long lost vitality. My reflection terrifies me. Yet in my terror I hide my mind with mountains of distractions. I live in paradise but the character I choose to play is utterly despicable. What color madness am I painting on this precious canvas... is tearful empathy my only answer?
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sometimes Simple is Best
As simple as A... B... C...
SMART Recovery ® (Self Management And Recovery Training)
ABCs- a crash course.
If you get some paper and a pencil to use while you read this, you can learn this technique in 10 minutes.
The "ABC's" are an exercise from REBT, which is a form of cognitive therapy that is simple enough and effective enough to be used by anybody and- it works. You can learn to do this straight out of a book, or off the computer screen. We use it to examine the beliefs we have (or the thinking we are doing) as some of this may be causing us problems. The "ABC's" are an exercise that helps us to stop being victimized by our own thinking.
A common example is the issue of someone else's behavior "making us angry". This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A more accurate description of "someone making me angry" is to say that I feel angry about their behavior. They are not making me anything- they are simply behaving in a way that I am getting angry about. I notice their behavior and then I become angry. The responsibility for the anger is mine, not theirs. This can sound strange at first, but dealing with problematic anger and frustration this way works.
REBT theory says that it is generally irrational and self-defeating to get all worked up about someone else's behavior. The anger is based on a faulty assumption, which is that the other person SHOULD behave in the way I want them to. If you think about it, what the other person SHOULD do is not necessarily what they DO do. This is a very important element of the equation- reality. They do what they do, and then I/you automatically get angry about it, and feel quite upset for a while- possibly very upset. It's like walking around with a big pushbutton on your forehead that says "Push here to aggravate". Is this a useful response to others' behavior? Probably not.
Since they are very likely going to do that (whatever it is) anyway, it seems, then it would make life a great deal easier if I/you didn't get angry about it and lose our peace of mind. This is what REBT can accomplish, in many such situations. The missing part of the puzzle, and the part that is the really crucial part, is what WE THINK about what they do.
For example, if I really believe that they MUST NOT do whatever they are doing, and then they still continue to do it, then the DEMAND that I have inside my head that says; "they MUST NOT do that" will put considerable pressure on me from the inside to do something about it, which I am very often unable to do. Often, it just isn't possible to control other peoples' behavior. So this will automatically make me feel bad; frustrated, ineffective, angry, desperate, hurt, enraged, and so on because I cannot translate the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into reality. Most external phenomena I simply cannot control. The problem is that I am DEMANDING something that I cannot get. It is better for my peace of mind if I simply PREFER to get what I want than DEMAND it.
How much easier it is if I can become aware of this and make a choice to change the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into a more rational alternative, which actually means something; "I PREFER that they don't do that". Once I downgrade the DEMAND to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat is turned down and I can function again. After all, it's now only a preference!
REBT has a simple exercise to help us make this adjustment, called "the ABCs". It is used to analyze the situation and change our thinking about it so that without trying to change external reality, we can feel better about it. This doesn't mean that we should never try to change external reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it's when it isn't an appropriate or effective response that we can choose to have a different response instead in order to feel better. To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick any situation where someone's behavior is "making you angry" and take a look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is DEMAND-ing and irrational, and change it into something more rational- a PREFERENCE. It is irrational to demand that people behave in the way we want them to! Here is an example using drunken people making a lot of noise late at night as they pass by outside where I live.
SMART Recovery® is: Self Management And Recovery Training
A. (Activating situation)
Drunk people outside, making some noise.
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) They MUSTN'T make any noise.
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A)
When noisy drunken people pass in the street outside late at night and wake me up I feel angry. It feels bad. I lie awake feeling angry and upset and don't get back to sleep for a long time.
D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and answers)
WHY shouldn't they make any noise- where is that commandment written in stone? Well, it isn't.
E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B)
Drunken people often tend to be noisy, but it's no big deal. It is very common that they make some noise on their way home. I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this, and I will stop even noticing it because it is not a problem for me. When this happens I will say "Ah, the drunk people who pass in the night" (taking care to spell it right) and go back to sleep.
You can make an ABC exercise really short;
A. (Activating situation) Drunks walking past outside, making some noise. B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) They SHOULDN'T make any noise C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A) I Feel angry, etc
D. (Dispute the irrational Belief/s in B) WHY shouldn't they make any noise?
E. (Effective new thinking) Drunk people do make noise, it's what they're good at- its like a natural talent for them. I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this.
And you can do this on many situations that bother you and reclaim your peace of mind, just look for the DEMAND and turn it into a PREFERENCE. Here's another one...
A. (Activating situation) I tried to do something and failed
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) I must always be successful
C. (Consequences of believing B) I feel bad, depressed, etc
D. (Dispute the Irrational Belief in B) where is it written in stone that I must I always be successful?
E. (Effective new thinking to replace B) I would prefer always to be successful but let's be realistic- that isn't very likely, is it- so when I'm not successful I don't need to make myself feel bad.
SMART Recovery® is: Self Management And Recovery Training
That's it- that is how to do ABC's. Try this technique with something that is bothering you. Try to keep it as simple as you can while you get used to the ideas involved. Be aware of "should- ing" and "musterbation" (these simply mean the occurrence of problem-causing "should" and "must" DEMANDS in your thinking). Here are some things you might think or believe, in which case these could be your "iB"s;
I MUST NOT feel overwhelmed with responsibilities
I CAN'T STAND IT when I feel (bored, sad, lonely, whatever) People MUST not take me for granted
Email lists SHOULD be how I expect them to be Other people SHOULD behave in the way I want I SHOULD be able to have a drink
I NEED a drink ("NEED" is often interpreted as MUST HAVE- be aware of such invisible
MUSTS)
They MUST see it my way
I MUST NEVER display weakness
The sun MUST shine tomorrow
People who do bad things MUST ALWAYS be punished etc.
Try to find some Activating situations, iB's and Consequences of your own and do this exercise with them. Often is easier to start with the C- the Consequences of the A and B and work back to see what they were. Whenever you feel upset it can be a useful exercise to see if an ABC can be done on the situation and your thinking about it. You never know, you might just feel better. Get into the habit of doing this regularly and you might feel a lot better overall. And do please note; this is a tool not just a theory. Success with this (and other) cognitive techniques is dependent on your writing out your own examples and making it part of the way you think.
© 2006 - 2009 SMART Recovery® All rights reserved by SMART Recovery®
SMART Recovery ® (Self Management And Recovery Training)
ABCs- a crash course.
If you get some paper and a pencil to use while you read this, you can learn this technique in 10 minutes.
The "ABC's" are an exercise from REBT, which is a form of cognitive therapy that is simple enough and effective enough to be used by anybody and- it works. You can learn to do this straight out of a book, or off the computer screen. We use it to examine the beliefs we have (or the thinking we are doing) as some of this may be causing us problems. The "ABC's" are an exercise that helps us to stop being victimized by our own thinking.
A common example is the issue of someone else's behavior "making us angry". This is a very common way of expressing something and we hear it often, but in fact it distorts the situation it attempts to describe. A more accurate description of "someone making me angry" is to say that I feel angry about their behavior. They are not making me anything- they are simply behaving in a way that I am getting angry about. I notice their behavior and then I become angry. The responsibility for the anger is mine, not theirs. This can sound strange at first, but dealing with problematic anger and frustration this way works.
REBT theory says that it is generally irrational and self-defeating to get all worked up about someone else's behavior. The anger is based on a faulty assumption, which is that the other person SHOULD behave in the way I want them to. If you think about it, what the other person SHOULD do is not necessarily what they DO do. This is a very important element of the equation- reality. They do what they do, and then I/you automatically get angry about it, and feel quite upset for a while- possibly very upset. It's like walking around with a big pushbutton on your forehead that says "Push here to aggravate". Is this a useful response to others' behavior? Probably not.
Since they are very likely going to do that (whatever it is) anyway, it seems, then it would make life a great deal easier if I/you didn't get angry about it and lose our peace of mind. This is what REBT can accomplish, in many such situations. The missing part of the puzzle, and the part that is the really crucial part, is what WE THINK about what they do.
For example, if I really believe that they MUST NOT do whatever they are doing, and then they still continue to do it, then the DEMAND that I have inside my head that says; "they MUST NOT do that" will put considerable pressure on me from the inside to do something about it, which I am very often unable to do. Often, it just isn't possible to control other peoples' behavior. So this will automatically make me feel bad; frustrated, ineffective, angry, desperate, hurt, enraged, and so on because I cannot translate the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into reality. Most external phenomena I simply cannot control. The problem is that I am DEMANDING something that I cannot get. It is better for my peace of mind if I simply PREFER to get what I want than DEMAND it.
How much easier it is if I can become aware of this and make a choice to change the DEMAND "they MUST NOT do that" into a more rational alternative, which actually means something; "I PREFER that they don't do that". Once I downgrade the DEMAND to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat is turned down and I can function again. After all, it's now only a preference!
REBT has a simple exercise to help us make this adjustment, called "the ABCs". It is used to analyze the situation and change our thinking about it so that without trying to change external reality, we can feel better about it. This doesn't mean that we should never try to change external reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it's when it isn't an appropriate or effective response that we can choose to have a different response instead in order to feel better. To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick any situation where someone's behavior is "making you angry" and take a look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is DEMAND-ing and irrational, and change it into something more rational- a PREFERENCE. It is irrational to demand that people behave in the way we want them to! Here is an example using drunken people making a lot of noise late at night as they pass by outside where I live.
SMART Recovery® is: Self Management And Recovery Training
A. (Activating situation)
Drunk people outside, making some noise.
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) They MUSTN'T make any noise.
C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A)
When noisy drunken people pass in the street outside late at night and wake me up I feel angry. It feels bad. I lie awake feeling angry and upset and don't get back to sleep for a long time.
D. (Dispute the irrational Beliefs in B by turning them into questions and answers)
WHY shouldn't they make any noise- where is that commandment written in stone? Well, it isn't.
E. (Effective new thinking- substitute something rational instead of B)
Drunken people often tend to be noisy, but it's no big deal. It is very common that they make some noise on their way home. I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this, and I will stop even noticing it because it is not a problem for me. When this happens I will say "Ah, the drunk people who pass in the night" (taking care to spell it right) and go back to sleep.
You can make an ABC exercise really short;
A. (Activating situation) Drunks walking past outside, making some noise. B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) They SHOULDN'T make any noise C. (Consequences of having those beliefs about A) I Feel angry, etc
D. (Dispute the irrational Belief/s in B) WHY shouldn't they make any noise?
E. (Effective new thinking) Drunk people do make noise, it's what they're good at- its like a natural talent for them. I will CHOOSE to not upset myself about this.
And you can do this on many situations that bother you and reclaim your peace of mind, just look for the DEMAND and turn it into a PREFERENCE. Here's another one...
A. (Activating situation) I tried to do something and failed
B. (Irrational Belief I have about A) I must always be successful
C. (Consequences of believing B) I feel bad, depressed, etc
D. (Dispute the Irrational Belief in B) where is it written in stone that I must I always be successful?
E. (Effective new thinking to replace B) I would prefer always to be successful but let's be realistic- that isn't very likely, is it- so when I'm not successful I don't need to make myself feel bad.
SMART Recovery® is: Self Management And Recovery Training
That's it- that is how to do ABC's. Try this technique with something that is bothering you. Try to keep it as simple as you can while you get used to the ideas involved. Be aware of "should- ing" and "musterbation" (these simply mean the occurrence of problem-causing "should" and "must" DEMANDS in your thinking). Here are some things you might think or believe, in which case these could be your "iB"s;
I MUST NOT feel overwhelmed with responsibilities
I CAN'T STAND IT when I feel (bored, sad, lonely, whatever) People MUST not take me for granted
Email lists SHOULD be how I expect them to be Other people SHOULD behave in the way I want I SHOULD be able to have a drink
I NEED a drink ("NEED" is often interpreted as MUST HAVE- be aware of such invisible
MUSTS)
They MUST see it my way
I MUST NEVER display weakness
The sun MUST shine tomorrow
People who do bad things MUST ALWAYS be punished etc.
Try to find some Activating situations, iB's and Consequences of your own and do this exercise with them. Often is easier to start with the C- the Consequences of the A and B and work back to see what they were. Whenever you feel upset it can be a useful exercise to see if an ABC can be done on the situation and your thinking about it. You never know, you might just feel better. Get into the habit of doing this regularly and you might feel a lot better overall. And do please note; this is a tool not just a theory. Success with this (and other) cognitive techniques is dependent on your writing out your own examples and making it part of the way you think.
© 2006 - 2009 SMART Recovery® All rights reserved by SMART Recovery®
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Tubes
To be part of an epidemic of obesity, to be a walking manifestation of a cultural dilemma, or not to be... my personal question of survival. My diversion to exertion, my proactive self-destruction, comes down to a betrayal, a neglecting of a court order from the evolutionary process of perseverance.
Gluttony, sloth, and greed, deadly sins as old as written reflection... a mirror, a magnification, indisputable evidence, a proclamation of guilt throughout the week. A sad journey of wobbly stunted motions, arthritic feet, and short breath panting.
Cut loose, cut calories, increase motion, change something fundamental inside where the sun don't shine... where a voice goes unheard, where some lie lays undisturbed, some rotten anti-truth decaying still salvageable flesh. Demons dance on a corpse of this living being, laughing and teasing 'Wake-up! Wake-up! You foolish old pig on a stick, or we will roast you in the flames of your own decadent sins!'
But I am intoxicated with diversions, and beat myself down with my spiralling stupor. Lamentable lard laid out on the pit, a luau for angry lost souls and mocking Asian crows.
A feast for the dismal self-righteously hungry, or one more blessed witness to God's rule? A Rumi poem of a lion eating a greedy ox, allowing the fox a chance, to know it is better to sacrifice all of the hunt's bounty, in order to be allowed to be left in the hunt. Better to sacrifice today’s pleasures in exchange for life, in agreement with the punishable laws of our universe.
Get off my merry-go-round while I still can.
Gluttony, sloth, and greed, deadly sins as old as written reflection... a mirror, a magnification, indisputable evidence, a proclamation of guilt throughout the week. A sad journey of wobbly stunted motions, arthritic feet, and short breath panting.
Cut loose, cut calories, increase motion, change something fundamental inside where the sun don't shine... where a voice goes unheard, where some lie lays undisturbed, some rotten anti-truth decaying still salvageable flesh. Demons dance on a corpse of this living being, laughing and teasing 'Wake-up! Wake-up! You foolish old pig on a stick, or we will roast you in the flames of your own decadent sins!'
But I am intoxicated with diversions, and beat myself down with my spiralling stupor. Lamentable lard laid out on the pit, a luau for angry lost souls and mocking Asian crows.
A feast for the dismal self-righteously hungry, or one more blessed witness to God's rule? A Rumi poem of a lion eating a greedy ox, allowing the fox a chance, to know it is better to sacrifice all of the hunt's bounty, in order to be allowed to be left in the hunt. Better to sacrifice today’s pleasures in exchange for life, in agreement with the punishable laws of our universe.
Get off my merry-go-round while I still can.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
No Direction Chose
I choose. Dubious such as it is. Lack of exercise, lack of caloric discipline. Choosing web work, driving... choosing to feel the stiff, the crystallizing joints, the out of breath sweating encumbered soul. So easy to tumble under the weight of sadness. Wondering if I have the spirit to counter-attack this summer. To make hard choices before I am chosen by nature as another bad example.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Small Successes Small Setbacks
There There, Big Boy... sometimes you go to the scale and there is good news, and you just do not know why. The very fact that you have not been paying attention may be the reason for your success, just as when you neglected the scale you gained all that weight. Go figure.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Marauding Anxiety
I will need to weed the planters on the terrace, toss the dried weeds into the recyclable trash. All part of an illusion of normalcy. All above an underlying theme of angst, a perpetual percolation of anxiety. There is such a magnificent spring outside, seeping through the windows.
We allow the world in, for better or for worse. We must. Life is a participatory phenomena. To walk as a ghost on the parameters of existence just doesn't cut it. We need to be in the game, to make any sense of what it is we are doing here. If we make it a meditation then there needs to be a front line of analysis, somewhere the rubber meets the road. Better we are the one directing the motion, initiating the interaction, living the life that suits us best.
Not taking the bull by the horns, or the balls, or, as in Zen, as a gentle friend, lead by its ring... is a fundamental error. Yet choosing among the options, when cloaked in a trench coat of despair, is daunting for the depressed. The chicken to egg cycle, of impotence due to the blues, needs to be disrupted somehow. The old hen needs to be beheaded or the damn egg scrambled.
In someway an initiative followed by an ignition is called for... a fire under our procrastinating perplexity... A self-anointed rite of passage, out the door, and into the mix of things. Spring awaits, but only for one season. Summer sits simmering just around that pertruding bend up ahead. Best to pull weeds while we still have fingers.
Best to express what you are really thinking, what you really want to be doing... and then, do it.
We allow the world in, for better or for worse. We must. Life is a participatory phenomena. To walk as a ghost on the parameters of existence just doesn't cut it. We need to be in the game, to make any sense of what it is we are doing here. If we make it a meditation then there needs to be a front line of analysis, somewhere the rubber meets the road. Better we are the one directing the motion, initiating the interaction, living the life that suits us best.
Not taking the bull by the horns, or the balls, or, as in Zen, as a gentle friend, lead by its ring... is a fundamental error. Yet choosing among the options, when cloaked in a trench coat of despair, is daunting for the depressed. The chicken to egg cycle, of impotence due to the blues, needs to be disrupted somehow. The old hen needs to be beheaded or the damn egg scrambled.
In someway an initiative followed by an ignition is called for... a fire under our procrastinating perplexity... A self-anointed rite of passage, out the door, and into the mix of things. Spring awaits, but only for one season. Summer sits simmering just around that pertruding bend up ahead. Best to pull weeds while we still have fingers.
Best to express what you are really thinking, what you really want to be doing... and then, do it.
Monday, March 31, 2008
No Place to Go
To go out... I seem to have no romance with place, unless there is a high probability that I might meet someone. So the best place for me is a centrally located coffee shop where I know friends go. Since I am sedimentary at home, this means I end up being sedimentary when I go out. I love sedimentary activities. Computers, movies, chatting with friends, watching strangers, reading, listening. All are, more often than not, a study in still life.
Taking a walk with a friend, or dancing, as well as walking in dynamically different environments as a pilgrim or a tourist, are ways in which I combined my love of society with exercise. This is one reason I often fantasize purchasing a small place as residence downtown (either here in Kyoto or New York, though other dynamic centralized urban centers might work equally well) or to have a storefront where passersby may stop in and chat, as we watch the passing strangers, together over coffee.
There are many people watchers as myself... I wonder what it all means... what purpose do we serve in the organism of humankind? Is there some greater purpose, than just passing time? Are we meant to do more than watch life go by?
Taking a walk with a friend, or dancing, as well as walking in dynamically different environments as a pilgrim or a tourist, are ways in which I combined my love of society with exercise. This is one reason I often fantasize purchasing a small place as residence downtown (either here in Kyoto or New York, though other dynamic centralized urban centers might work equally well) or to have a storefront where passersby may stop in and chat, as we watch the passing strangers, together over coffee.
There are many people watchers as myself... I wonder what it all means... what purpose do we serve in the organism of humankind? Is there some greater purpose, than just passing time? Are we meant to do more than watch life go by?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
No Satisfaction
Futility. What could be... expletives. There is no... definitiveness, only bloated disgruntled negativism I'd prefer not to share.
Model by example.
Be the Man.
Model by example.
Be the Man.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Spring Salvation
This has been a long and emotionally challenging Winter.... as has been my conscious 'un-participation' in this blog. In fact, I came close to destroying all records of my struggle.
Firstly, instead of using this time to lose weight, I rebounded back to my highest weight ever. I seemed to languish in a self-destructive pattern of over-eating and avoiding motion, knowing full well I was manifesting symptoms of a depression. As my body manifested the sickly physical symptoms of obesity my emotional fatigue and social self-conscientiousness festered.
There are personal events that I might attribute this to, but that would be unfair, as I believe in 'taking responsibility for my actions' (and in this case in-action). Therefore I will take this time to try and analyze my behavior.
I began by genuinely attempting a raw vegan style cleanse. While my intentions and initial actions were both genuine and extravagant, flaws appeared and undermined my progress quickly. The pendulum swing between my 'Natural' cultural diet (i.e. meat and potato fast food, American raised in the 50's heritage) and the enviable ideals of the New Age 'Natural Vegan' diet, remains absurdly wide and profoundly ludicrous. I am unhappy on either end of the spectrum, and shaken even in the middle. I do not trust nor fully believe the radical claims of conspiracy and psydo-science professed by the left and intrinsically mistrust the established nutritionists and marketers on the right.
In my fantasies I hunger for a support group where I might eat in peace... yet what I love in most indigenous food cultures is less than what is best for me, and the dietary lifestyles of dietary scarcity, where I might again rediscover health and physical potency, all leave me feeling desperately out of sync. I feel inordinately hopeless and ashamed, having tried so many paths short of my goal. My website and personal history is a burial ground of failed methodologies.
There are moments in most days when I make a gesture toward moderation and pro-action, but these are all so short of what is needed. Thus the parallel to depression is obvious. I would so much like to fall into a pattern of healthful behavior, when what is really needed is a climb up into a precise long-term commitment, to what inevitably would be a brutally uncomfortable sacrifice.
A commitment and sacrifice which must span a longer time then I am presently prepared to make. Yet my survival depends on it... Witness the downwardly spiraling logic of the defeatist. How much I'd love to blame someone besides myself, to be swallowed up in a cult who would lavish me in supportive sensuality while purging me of all my addictive patterns. But instead I am being asked by circumstance to heal myself.
How tedious reality... how unmovable... how frightfully real. How the hell can I beat this looping mania?
Firstly, instead of using this time to lose weight, I rebounded back to my highest weight ever. I seemed to languish in a self-destructive pattern of over-eating and avoiding motion, knowing full well I was manifesting symptoms of a depression. As my body manifested the sickly physical symptoms of obesity my emotional fatigue and social self-conscientiousness festered.
There are personal events that I might attribute this to, but that would be unfair, as I believe in 'taking responsibility for my actions' (and in this case in-action). Therefore I will take this time to try and analyze my behavior.
I began by genuinely attempting a raw vegan style cleanse. While my intentions and initial actions were both genuine and extravagant, flaws appeared and undermined my progress quickly. The pendulum swing between my 'Natural' cultural diet (i.e. meat and potato fast food, American raised in the 50's heritage) and the enviable ideals of the New Age 'Natural Vegan' diet, remains absurdly wide and profoundly ludicrous. I am unhappy on either end of the spectrum, and shaken even in the middle. I do not trust nor fully believe the radical claims of conspiracy and psydo-science professed by the left and intrinsically mistrust the established nutritionists and marketers on the right.
In my fantasies I hunger for a support group where I might eat in peace... yet what I love in most indigenous food cultures is less than what is best for me, and the dietary lifestyles of dietary scarcity, where I might again rediscover health and physical potency, all leave me feeling desperately out of sync. I feel inordinately hopeless and ashamed, having tried so many paths short of my goal. My website and personal history is a burial ground of failed methodologies.
There are moments in most days when I make a gesture toward moderation and pro-action, but these are all so short of what is needed. Thus the parallel to depression is obvious. I would so much like to fall into a pattern of healthful behavior, when what is really needed is a climb up into a precise long-term commitment, to what inevitably would be a brutally uncomfortable sacrifice.
A commitment and sacrifice which must span a longer time then I am presently prepared to make. Yet my survival depends on it... Witness the downwardly spiraling logic of the defeatist. How much I'd love to blame someone besides myself, to be swallowed up in a cult who would lavish me in supportive sensuality while purging me of all my addictive patterns. But instead I am being asked by circumstance to heal myself.
How tedious reality... how unmovable... how frightfully real. How the hell can I beat this looping mania?
Monday, December 31, 2007
Life Time Leads to Now
A year old Victoria Boutenko podcast (a celebrity in the raw food movement) plays on this computer, as I mentally try and prepare for a raw vegan cleanse. I will do this purge starting next week, on January 6th. I just need to do something to help myself... already I have begun to revisit the research material of the last two years. I will meticulously coordinate my eating for 21 days. Needless to say, already I feel my resistance building. Already I have had odd mood swings and obsessive oral fixations.
I have been struggling with food and exercise all my life, never quite getting it right. I have my eyes now on a retreat to Tree of Life Rejuvenation Center, run by Gabriel & Shanti Cousens in Patagonia Arizona. Cousens is another celebrity in whole food circles. It will be helpful seeing his operation, spending time alone with my thoughts and feelings, and experiencing their eating rituals. I hope I can draw my resources together to allow this to happen in the coming months.
I have been struggling with food and exercise all my life, never quite getting it right. I have my eyes now on a retreat to Tree of Life Rejuvenation Center, run by Gabriel & Shanti Cousens in Patagonia Arizona. Cousens is another celebrity in whole food circles. It will be helpful seeing his operation, spending time alone with my thoughts and feelings, and experiencing their eating rituals. I hope I can draw my resources together to allow this to happen in the coming months.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Quietly talking to oneself
There is the slight airy hum of a hard disk on my desk. The house is quiet with my two teen children relaxing during their winter-break holiday. Hieidaira, where we live, is usually always fairly quiet during the day and I have done what I can to insulate my bedroom studio from the harsher street sounds of roaring engines and barking dogs.
I love having this time to update my website sections, reflect, and refocus on the core issues in my fast paced life. Fast paced only from the perspective of a turtle slow consciousness, a mind that hardly learns and must spend time recycling lessons over and over again until they sink in.
Today, despite a rather usual meaty concoction for breakfast, I reevaluate the merits of a 'living food' holiday, away from the destructive eating patterns I normally consume. Doctors have doubled my blood pressure medicine with the all too often repeated caveat, all I really need to do is lose weight. Exercise and moderation will work wonders to restoring my health and prolonging my life.
So daily, I hear a voice inside asking, why I hesitate to rise up and move, why I hesitate to bring a higher level of awareness to my eating choices. This resistance is a childish residue hardened into habit, yet it is for me, a key psychological battle. Whatever forces spun me into 'living foods' last year to take a 'Living Food' retreat to Puerto Rico with my children and equally cynically drew me away this year, returning all my old nasty physical symptoms, again need confronting.
This suggests a couple very pleasant, though deeply challenging puritanical programs, of overt counter measures. One or two specific planned campaigns back to normalcy (healthy normalcy verses habitual self-abuse) could launch me into a better year, allowing a more positive self image and less fear of my early demise.
I rightly fear too early and too bitter a death, in the shadow of my mother's legacy. I need to be proactive in very pragmatic ways, to allow exercise and nutrition back into my life. To allow myself to again feel handsome and healthy, virile and fluid...{to be my best, so I may do my best, to those whom I love including myself}.
No martyrs permitted, shape up or painfully watch this ship of life sail without me.
I love having this time to update my website sections, reflect, and refocus on the core issues in my fast paced life. Fast paced only from the perspective of a turtle slow consciousness, a mind that hardly learns and must spend time recycling lessons over and over again until they sink in.
Today, despite a rather usual meaty concoction for breakfast, I reevaluate the merits of a 'living food' holiday, away from the destructive eating patterns I normally consume. Doctors have doubled my blood pressure medicine with the all too often repeated caveat, all I really need to do is lose weight. Exercise and moderation will work wonders to restoring my health and prolonging my life.
So daily, I hear a voice inside asking, why I hesitate to rise up and move, why I hesitate to bring a higher level of awareness to my eating choices. This resistance is a childish residue hardened into habit, yet it is for me, a key psychological battle. Whatever forces spun me into 'living foods' last year to take a 'Living Food' retreat to Puerto Rico with my children and equally cynically drew me away this year, returning all my old nasty physical symptoms, again need confronting.
This suggests a couple very pleasant, though deeply challenging puritanical programs, of overt counter measures. One or two specific planned campaigns back to normalcy (healthy normalcy verses habitual self-abuse) could launch me into a better year, allowing a more positive self image and less fear of my early demise.
I rightly fear too early and too bitter a death, in the shadow of my mother's legacy. I need to be proactive in very pragmatic ways, to allow exercise and nutrition back into my life. To allow myself to again feel handsome and healthy, virile and fluid...{to be my best, so I may do my best, to those whom I love including myself}.
No martyrs permitted, shape up or painfully watch this ship of life sail without me.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Should I care?
Taking care, being one's own care giver, TLC (Tender Loving Care)... I am left with the dilemma of loving the man I am being placed in charge of, an adamant over-eater/under-exerciser. The cure of addiction is one firm 'cease and desist' order. The options are what?... some imprisonment scheme, some maintainable vigil, some powerful plan to override tendency (to eat everything, any chance I can, while hardly ever moving my butt) for solution (NOT to eat everything, any chance I can, while frequently moving my butt). How does this fox watch the hen house, when hens are what I live for?
Friday, October 5, 2007
Today a Crystal Clear Saturday
That feeling of over full. That distance, where my mind skips among tangents. Outside is so clear. A large box on the kitchen table sent from grandma in Saitama. Kai asleep in her friend's house, where math help was the pretext while solidarity and friendship more likely the inspiration. Zen is now hidden away in his bed has awakened and come up to use the upstairs toilet. The sweet silence of Hieidaira on a sunny Saturday late morning. I have been up for hours moving between podcasts, sorted microphones and cables, cleaning dishes, stuffing my face, napping, watering plants, folding laundry, all the gestures that slice my time into manageable distractions. All I have planned is to make some kind of movie to document our life here for my dad, and later meet a friend. Monday is sports day here in Japan. I am off. My life is a mystery, my obsessive behavior some textbook model for lessons being taught on another planet. A strange disturbing odor whiffs through my window. Is it vent gas, a dead cat, or a rancid planter.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Frankly, I haven't a clue
I take great joy and a considerable amount of pride in making appetizing and fairly nutritionally balanced meals for myself and my kids. I love an audience, so I welcome having a guest or my kids home to prepare a meal.
My one year exploration into alternative food patterns, from Atkins to raw veganism, has unfortunately produced no lasting radical alternative. Instead I have reverted back to childhood standards and patterns, though with a bit more insight into nutrition.
My flirtation with exercising side shows has been even less transformational. My only lasting, so far, physical activity outside the home has been gardening... though, even here, less than physically demanding. Right now I have some over-elaborate idea of having a bike mounted to my car, which I would use to commute to work after driving down the mountain and parking.
A more practical solution might be to take a bus to a bike. Unfortunately, because I work in a completely different location every day of the week (and sometimes at great distances) this idea will most likely never come to fruition. Using mass transportation alone would be a major improvement, though considering the life style change necessary, I can't see this happening any time soon.
My one year exploration into alternative food patterns, from Atkins to raw veganism, has unfortunately produced no lasting radical alternative. Instead I have reverted back to childhood standards and patterns, though with a bit more insight into nutrition.
My flirtation with exercising side shows has been even less transformational. My only lasting, so far, physical activity outside the home has been gardening... though, even here, less than physically demanding. Right now I have some over-elaborate idea of having a bike mounted to my car, which I would use to commute to work after driving down the mountain and parking.
A more practical solution might be to take a bus to a bike. Unfortunately, because I work in a completely different location every day of the week (and sometimes at great distances) this idea will most likely never come to fruition. Using mass transportation alone would be a major improvement, though considering the life style change necessary, I can't see this happening any time soon.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Surreal Progression; Spinning Wheels
Briefly I maintained a goal, yet so short lived. The matrix of self-management is beyond me. Yet I am playing with alternatives in a desperate dance of confused values. There is a bizarre blend of being aware of the religiosity of diet yet having no solid alternatives. There is no secular vision, dominated as I am in my aesthetic bound lust of preference... taste over truth. Creamy meaty fantasies makes food a daily play land of inconsistencies and frustration.
There is no trust in the captain of my being i.e. me, wishing I had the naive faith of a twelve-step advocate. A God I could lean on, to win the mind game.
There is no trust in the captain of my being i.e. me, wishing I had the naive faith of a twelve-step advocate. A God I could lean on, to win the mind game.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Master Cleanse
"Lose Weight, Have More Energy & Be Happier in 10 Days" by Peter Glickman, sounds ridiculous, yet a friend recommends this 'Lemonade Diet' and I am so in need of a fast... and I have the perfect window for a cleansing. Two weeks before my next physical check for my hemorrhoids. This is an excellent opportunity and will allow me a chance to prepare for school as I reflect at home. Let’s see where this leads me.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Old Age ain't for Sissies
The title is a quote from my Dad. I just took gout medicine. Decided to take it out of storage as meat eating resumed that tingling feeling in my toes. I also took my blood pressure medicine, medical reports made that eminent. I am in pain from broken hemorrhoids. Humidity fills my room despite my air conditioning as a typhoon circles through Japan. Is it wasted time this perpetual maintenance of car, home, body and job? Surely there is a more efficient way... or is it a matter of slow walking acceptance?
Saturday, July 28, 2007
I'm Confused... even with the obvious.
Words are flowing over the bridge of my nose in a cacophonous deluge. Having just finished the latest and last Harry Potter novel I am sufficiently satiated, balancing that against my ferocious appetite for heady podcasts and stacks of non-fiction. My only distraction is the kitchen below my academic retreat. The heat makes as useful a rational for nonphysical exertion as the cold, yet my waste now makes my newer fat man pants pinch.
My occasional life necessitated exertions, like a walk to a bus stop or moving a bit of furniture, has me each time in a near cardiac emergency, making me feel it is 'just a matter of time'. Just a matter of time, until I must choose between life in pain or a life in healthy living. Both are not appetizing, and my appetite is what all this is about.
My occasional life necessitated exertions, like a walk to a bus stop or moving a bit of furniture, has me each time in a near cardiac emergency, making me feel it is 'just a matter of time'. Just a matter of time, until I must choose between life in pain or a life in healthy living. Both are not appetizing, and my appetite is what all this is about.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
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